Waiting

Let me just be right up front about this in no uncertain terms.

I
HATE
WAITING

That is a general statement that you can take to the bank. If I'm put in a situation in which I have to wait, I am not pleased. Somehow, I'm beginning to get the feeling that God feels the need to change that about me. Otherwise, why would He continually place me in life situations in which I have no choice but to wait? Of course, I'm not talking about your every day, run of the mill waiting in line here. Oh, no! I'm talking about the continued financial viability of my family is on the line and I have to wait for Him to provide me with some means of actively earning money. Needless to say, this is not a position I would choose for myself. In need of a job in the middle of the worst job market in my lifetime. Stuck between two half-careers. Before this sinks further into ranting and self pity I will move on.

I don't like waiting because I like to be in control. I like to feel powerful. I like to determine how my life will go. When I have to wait I am no longer in control of my situation. I feel powerless. I feel weak. Aha! Perhaps we're getting down to it after all. One of the paradoxes of life lived in relationship with God is that when I am weak I am actually at my strongest. It makes zero point zero sense until I stop looking at myself and the world around me and remember that there's this whole God person who is actually in charge of everything. On my own I have a very limited amount of strength. We all do have some strength. Some of us leverage it into greater strengths than others through hard work and self-promotion. Others are in position to compile the strength of others for their own use. No matter how much strength we can accumulate, however, it will ultimately be a joke compared to the limitless power of the almighty creator of all that exists that is not Himself. So, when He decides that He is going to honor me by using me as a vessel it requires emptying me of all my pathetic "strength" so that He can fill me up with the power to move mountains.

So, here I am, empty. I'm waiting on God to do something with me. As the song says, waiting is the hardest part. The longer I wait, the more doubt creeps in. The longer I wait the more frustrated and angry I become. The longer I wait the deeper my faith has to grow in order to wait one more day. I guess that means that my faith will be deeper tomorrow than it was today. That is certainly worth waiting for.