Emptiness

It has not escaped my notice that the topics I've been writing about are getting increasingly grim. That isn't an indication of my personal descent, once again, into depression. I'm actually doing relatively well. I suppose it is because it is in these grim moments where we are tested. How will we respond when we've failed? What will I do when I feel empty? The topic of emptiness only came up because it's time to write and I couldn't think of anything specific. I've always said that I do best with a specific prompt. Given the option to write about anything, my first inclination is to examine what "anything" means. So, with nothing specific to write about, I ponder emptiness. It doesn't feel nice to feel empty, devoid of emotional and physical resources. Much of our culture is built around avoiding that feeling. We want to be empowered, productive and full. Some of us are better at this than others. For much of my life I was very good at it. Then I hit the end of myself and found that I had nothing left to give. I felt empty for a good long time and I'm not going to lie, it hurt. But, just like the failure I wrote of previously, finding myself empty was a blessing I couldn't have expected.

I learned from that experience. I learned what the Bible means when it says that when I am weak, He is strong and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. What I realized is that, as empty as I felt, the reality is that I had access to life that would fill me to overflowing. I just needed to be emptied of me first. I had to let go of my plans, my competences, my need to be right. I could not let go so those things had to be torn from me to make me a better man. So, I was emptied so I could be filled. If only it was a one-time emptying and filling I'd be set. The reality, however, is that that experience was just the first step in training myself to let go and take the bit. Like a horse, I had to be broken before I could be useful.

That isn't a popular idea today, allowing oneself to be mastered by another. With our grim history of slavery and racial segregation, the idea of submitting to someone, even God, as a slave is abhorrent. We like to remind ourselves often that we are free people and that we have fought and won that freedom. I could not agree more that among humans, slavery is an absolute evil. I have no more right to subjugate my fellow man than I have to murder him. But, lets not forget who we're talking about here. I am not talking about submitting to the yolk of slavery by another mere man but God Almighty. When it comes down to it, if slavery to Him is bad, opposition to Him can only be worse but, as Jesus told us, we come humbling ourselves to slavery but are greeted as sons and daughters but that usually requires reaching a place of emptiness.