Marriage

Since I finally got to write a negative movie review (see below) I figured it was about time to write about something positive in my life. I know that for a lot of people in our culture marriage is not a positive topic. The failures of so many marriages have caused pain in so many lives that, for many, marriage is about as desirable as a root canal. Why is marriage so often the most painful experience when it ought to be a blessing? It is because there is no other relationship that we chose to enter into that approaches the depth of the marriage bond. As the Bible describes it, "the two will become one flesh". That is an intimacy that we don't find anywhere else. The problem comes, as always, with sin. When two people are that connected they have an incredible ability to do both great good and great harm. If we don't set out to do good intentionally we are more than likely to do damage. As I've said many times about marriage, whenever two fallen human beings are in that close proximity there will be conflict. Conflict is inevitable, damage is not. How we deal with conflict is probably the most important factor in the success of our marriages.

In my own marriage we've been through some rough times. My depression was awful for me but it was no picnic for my wife either. I was not available emotionally and I unintentionally communicated that she was not important to me. Two years of that lead to a deep chasm between us. As I came out of that state I saw that my marriage was not what I wanted it to be. I committed myself to making it as good as it can be. Over the last two years I think we've made great progress and we're closer now than we ever have been. There is still a long way to go though and I don't expect that we will ever quite arrive but there is no other human relationship into which I'd rather pour a lifetime of effort.

I've always understood that my marriage ought to be about more than just my wife and me but I recently heard a great perspective on marriage from John Piper. Marriage is intended to be a picture of how God relates to His people, specifically Jesus and the church. So, when my wife and I relate to each other we are supposed to show people how God relates to those who follow Him. That is a tall order to fill and, being imperfect, we will only ever fill it imperfectly. Having that as a goal, however, gives me a vision beyond my momentary needs and desires and puts our relationship in a context greater than ourselves. As someone who has difficulty being self-motivated, it is helpful to have a vision for my marriage that is about more than just me. I might not work hard at it for myself but I will be more likely to work hard at it for God, my wife, my children and all those who see my marriage and, hopefully, get a glimpse of God's love.